depression_now!

I'm not sure what to say, I have tried my hardest to cope with my ongoing depression for numerous reasons, although it was never this worse, not until the person I looked up to, the person I adored, the person who is closest to me, the person I love decided to emotionally abandoned me, ghosted me out of the blue, gave me cold shoulder deliberately, leading me to develop severe anxiety and emotional trauma to the point where every single second of my life feels like an hour, excruciating long hour. I stopped eating, drinking, sleeping not because I wanted to, because I physically couldn't. Everytime I shut my eyes, I would end up with my heart racing and pounding to escape my chest. I'm tired. I'm tired of explaining myself, having people not understand how big of an impact they can have on others, especially when they are important ,I spent grueling past 4 weeks basically having mini heart attacks every couple minute or so, begging my SO to realize the severity of it. Yet I was so scared of her I couldn't tell her that she's became the reason why I have this anxiety, why I cried until I fell on my knees, until I throw up, until I pass out...some say life isn't fair when I try to be selfish for once...but life seems to be fair when they are selfish? I bawled my eyes out to be heard by one person who means the world to me, no matter the situation, no one deserves to be traumatized, be emotionally abandoned..under no circumstance to this extent do they deserve to be broken down so much...that they become so dysfunctional.....Now I'm calmer than before, but suicidal, severely suicidal. I still cry a lot, but they are mostly tears rolling down my eyes thinking about the aftermath. I thought about my parents, my childhood, to avert the situation but I am emotionally drained, tired. I can no longer navigate my life. I'm offing myself on 3nd July..I don't feel anything while talking about it, I don't feel scared even standing by the edge. I prayed, meditated, I tried , cried, and cried, I begged and wailed (cried intensively) but my voice went unheard. Repeatedly. Often by the ones I held close to my heart. My dearest ones. It hurts. A lot. I wish the people who matter to me would have understood my plea, my pain, my sorrows...my apologies, but I've made up my mind now. Even I cannot stop the time anymore. 💔