(Atlanta, GA) As tariffs settle into the American landscape and the stock market shows investors nervous about coming times, one bright spot is lighting the consumer market. Pepsi’s new carbonated beverage, “Pepsi Despair,” is flying off supermarket shelves, and being purchased by both liberals and conservatives alike.
“We proposed it as a joke,” said one conservative purchasing the drink at a 7-11, “and we created a lot of hype and demand for the product, thinking it would upset liberals. Well, Pepsi called our bluff… now we have to keep supporting our mistake or we look like idiots.” He opened the can and, shuddering, began drinking. “This was supposed to taste like liberal tears, but it’s more like the warm anus of a sewer rat. Still, I asked for this, and I can’t let any liberals see me admit I’m wrong, so…” he finished the can. “That was refreshing. I think this is what this country needs.”
At a supermarket, a liberal buyer was also disappointed by his product. “I’m stuck with this, but what choice do I have? Conservatives got what they want, and we are along for the ride. I’m so sorry to other countries what this product will be pushed on them whether they like it or not.” He grimaced, eyeing his case. “Republicans keep saying this is great, but anything would be better than this putrid garbage.”
While both sides - one openly and one secretly - detest the new reality, independent voters seem to be waking up to the fact they also are subjected to the same dismal slime by fiat. “I didn’t care either way,” said one, “but now I see all this crap around me, and I think some adult should be in charge. Maybe I should have paid more attention.”
Pepsi Despair will be available through 2028, if not longer.
I don’t know, in my mind a cola called despair would probably be a mix of bland yet overbearing while also somewhat familiar.
Like it’s still got bite/spice, but not a widely appealing taste by any means. Probably contains cooked blood for the iron content which, along with vitamin C+low sugar+somewhat cheaper, is the main reason it makes sense to actually drink it.
Smells worse than it tastes, but probably has other utilities especially if the sweetener is not something that bacteria can easily consume. You will learn to love it, unless you can recover at which point even the smell will give you bad memories.
EDIT: Though I guess this makes more sense for depression-era living, not so much the metacommentary about the near future (ration cola might be too positive of a lifeline)
There is a sweetener that works as you described. It’s called xylitol, and it’s used in toothpaste and some chewing gums, but it’s incredibly toxic to dogs.
It was a generalization, but there is also Isomaltulose which is an actual glucose-fructose sugar but the bond is stronger so it needs a specific enzyme (which most simple life doesn’t have) to break down. Lower GI too. It’s sort of like a carbohydrate and doesn’t taste as sweet.
The problem here is that it’s more expensive (though I guess that is probably true of most things healthier, especially as they aren’t subsidized like corn).