Sorry this isn’t really a question
She doesn’t listen when i tell her how i want to be treated. I don’t owe her an explanation about why it hurts. It should be enough to say “this hurts me”. She never, ever changes her behavior no matter what i say. It’s always my fault when i get hurt.
It’s good that you seem to understand this problem is about her and not you. This sort of behavior is usually driven by some form of mental illness. She may not be able to change her behavior. Whatever the cause, it is not you.
You are experiencing a form of psychological abuse. Protect yourself as best you can. Even when you know, on an intellectual level, that she is being abusive, it’s hard not to react to it emotionally. Find some people who can understand the problem, whether they are family, friends, or counselors. It helps to have outside perspectives and it definitely helps not to feel like you’re alone in dealing with it. You may find it beneficial to get counseling for yourself.
I wish you all the best.