Thank you very much for your kind words. Same to you! 😊

Tbh, I have occasionally wondered if maybe I’m just gay. I’ve never dated someone from my same sex, but I’ve wanted to try. Problem is on these asexual dating sites, they are mostly filled with men. So they are the ones I get the most back and forth with. I’ve yet to really mutually interact with a woman that I’ve had an interest with on there.

I’d rather not stray too far out of the asexual realm when thinking about a partner tbh. It would be nice if there were more aces locally to do stuff with and get to know, but there just aren’t.

To be honest, I have thought now and then that “maybe I’m just gay”. But I still don’t seem to feel any of that stuff as strongly as sexual people do so idk.

I’ve never dated someone from the same sex, but I’ve been curious about it. These asexual dating sites are mostly filled with men, though, so it’s hard to find a woman both that I’m interested in and that ends up responding to me. My profiles put me as open to both men and women, but I’ve yet to find a woman that wants to mutually chat tbh.

Thanks, man. I’ve known and seen so many people that do. And even most in the comments here seem to think that I should just never bother to try because I don’t operate that way.

This is good to hear, honestly. I felt like I am taking crazy pills a bit when so many people in these comments are saying there is something wrong with me for not being immediately really into someone I just met.

I think one of the difficulties I had is that…maybe a decade ago when I was a lot younger, I had someone who was interested in me. I wasn’t interested in them, but they were nice and so I thought I would maybe try it. We go on a date and it’s going fine but the guy wants to be able to kiss and stuff.

I get that boundaries are a thing and you can tell people no, but… I noticed at that point that most people are sexual. And most sexual people seem to be immediately interested in making out and having sex with someone. I get that not everyone is this way, but the majority of people are because they are driven by sex. So it’s all just a bit confusing and difficult to navigate as someone on the asexual spectrum.

Would you mind expanding a bit on the anti social behavior and how therapy altered it personally?

Oh please, I’m hardly the only one that ghosts people on these sites. Half of the time, the other person stops talking and ghosts me instead. Online dating is a different sort of beast and it’s difficult to wade through it. I’m more than polite and friendly in person.

Hell, I’d actually like it if there was a way to set up in person dates with asexuals. It’s just difficult considering how rare asexuals are to begin with.

You’re right. Aro ace people should just kill themselves I guess?

Ah nice! Congrats! I think one of the reasons I’m not having success with these dating sites is everyone who’s ace is too freaking far away lol. I’m not ldr material it seems!

My cousin has this sort of relationship with her husband. They actually are generally off doing their own thing most of the time. But their relationship is very healthy and they have a great life together. It’s interesting seeing the spectrum of relationships that I see… with some couples seeming to be glued together at the hip, and some just coming together now and then. I guess I’m just a bit more of a standoffish type in general.

It’s interesting that people are suggesting that I just be alone forever or think that I need therapy to fix my orientation.

I mean, surely I can’t be the only person on the planet that can’t immediately fall in love with people they just met, right??? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills here that this is the answer. It takes me a long time to develop those kinds of connections.

It’s not that I dislike them. It’s just that I’m not immediately in love with anyone. Otherwise, I have no affinity for them and socially it’s incredibly draining. People are getting a bit of a wrong idea. I don’t hate people at all. And I actually have the capacity to feel incredibly deep connections to others. It’s just that it takes a long ass time to get there and is usually done passively over the span of many months. I don’t see how any amount of therapy could possibly make me immediately fall in love with anyone.

Yeah, I suppose I should try to join some sort of groups or something irl. Part of the problem is that dating-wise, I’m working with the small narrow group that are asexual people. You don’t run across them irl. So I can’t hope to just naturally find someone to date in person like a sexual person would. I could naturally make more friends maybe, but not date those that I find.

Just curious on what you think this needs therapy for? I can’t change my sexual orientation (or lack thereof) and I can’t change my lack of social battery and I can’t magically love people I’ve just met, no matter how much therapy I could possibly have.

Haha I do think about getting a pet sometimes. Although they are a lot harder to travel with than another human being, for example!

Well…I hadn’t wanted to for the first 3 decades of my life. But through the years I’ve had some friends go. And I’ve realized that to any friend, I will never be as important as their own family. And that’s perfectly understandable. It would be delusional to think that I should be more important than say, someone’s children, for example.

With a life partner, they are your #1 priority and you are their #1 priority. You are meant to be equals. And you’re supposed to stick with each other for life. I get that it’s not necessarily a fairy book that turns out this way, but at least you have a partner in crime. It gets lonely sometimes to be alone.

The problem with that is I have to deal with the restriction of asexuality. I’ve had opportunities to date in irl in the past, but they’ve always been with sexual people, and I’m not compatible. It just… doesn’t pan out that way for me.

I get that “sex isn’t the most important part in a relationship”. But it’s actually a core need for 99% of the human population. If I’m only ever going to run into sexual people irl, then it doesn’t at all make sense to start my search there.

I do feel that way about people. But it takes a long ass time to get to that point. I don’t meet people and immediately like them. It takes me freaking forever to get there… we’re talking months.

I do have people in my life that I always want to be around and can’t get enough of, but for various reasons, it doesn’t make for a relationship. (Ex: obviously I’m not going to date my family members or my coworkers who are married with children). I do have the capacity to feel deep connections with others. It’s just not at all a quick thing for me.

I guess I don’t know for sure if I want a life partner…I just want someone to always be there for me and to be the same priority to them as they are to me.

I feel like a lot of people in these replies are getting the wrong idea. I don’t just hate everyone. There are people in my life that I care very deeply about and love spending every moment I can with them.

BUT it takes me a long time to get to know people to the point that I feel that way about them. And for many, I don’t ever feel that way about them.

I can’t just flip a switch and adore someone immediately without taking forever to get to that level. It takes a long ass time for me to develop that kinship. It happens passively when you see someone often for unrelated reasons (like for me, at work…I get to know people over time without the stamina struggle of constantly forcing a relationship). But in dating, that’s the sole focus.

I’ve just been talking online. It’s tricky because the dating pool for asexuals is so small. So the asexuals that respond to me unfortunately never end up in my local area. I do agree that seeing someone irl would probably work out better for me, but as of yet I’ve yet to mutually connect with someone physically close to me. It’s my ultimate goal though is to find someone close enough that I can meet up with.

I want a life partner. Ultimately, I will never be as important to my work friends as they are to me. They all have family which obviously comes first. It’s totally understandable and I get it. It would be insane to think that I should come before my friend’s husband and children. I’m not delusional. But I want someone who is on the same level of the relationship as me. Someone who I am as important to them as they are to me. Someone to spend my life with.

I know you italicized it to tell me I need to change, but my point in saying it was to demonstrate that I don’t have the stamina to get past the “getting to know you” stage of meeting someone. It takes me literal months to start to like people (and some people I never end up meshing with). Before then, any sort of interaction with someone new is just unpleasant and catastrophically draining to me, to the point where I do not wish to continue.

I wish I could say that I could flip a switch and just be engaged with strangers or have greater stamina to do so, but my brain just doesn’t operate that way.

I find it much easier to develop a kinship at places like work. I don’t have to be constantly forcing myself to get to know and like people people, as it just happens gradually and naturally over time through exposure. Dating is the polar opposite of that.