I’m very glad it was helpful! I study psychology, so always happy to be able to share a bit of knowledge :) Best of luck to you!

Yes, I think I can relate very well. What I try to bring across to people is a model Albert Ellis, the founder of REBT, has proposed for how exactly emotions come to be. Basically, the model has three layers:

A- Activating event (e.g. a friend tells you how amazing it is to have a GF, you lay in bed and think that you’re still a virgin) B - Belief (I MUST already have had sex, I MUST be able to relate, I MUST have succeeded here) C - Consequence (you feel shittily, because you couldn’t fulfill your beliefs)

The model is also called the ABC model, for short.

The nutshell is that the event in ITSELF (aka that you’re a virgin) doesn’t make you miserable, but your beliefs and relation towards it. For example, imagine someone who wants to be a monk. They would be happy to still be a virgin, right? Or imagine someone who wants to wait until the right partner comes along. Imagine a devout Christian, who wants to wait until marriage, or an asexual person.

In short, many people would perceive being a virgin as GOOD, as something very nice and positive. That does not mean that you have to feel the same way, by all means - but it means that your personal beliefs, convictions and motivations heavily shape your perception.

Or, to put it differently - you really seem to have put a lot of effort into improving yourself and working out, right? You did everything one reasonably might suggest to do. So perhaps it is a good thing to take a step back and remind yourself that the reason you feel so bad about it is partially connected to your personal beliefs about what you should do and how to be. You don’t feel terribly because you’re a virgin, you feel terribly because you think you MUST NOT be a virgin.

By no means do I want to tell you that it is wrong - I personally definitely struggle with this concept. However I think it is good to simply keep this in mind to be able to exercise a bit of self-compassion, that the reason you feel bad is because your beliefs bash down on you and tell you “you’re a worthless piece of shit because you didn’t fulfill xyz” You are not a bad or worthless person by not being a virgin, I honestly believe it.

And besides - my personal story is, I am very very happy to have waited for my first kiss until my current partner. I have felt terribly that all the other people around me already had relationships, and I didn’t. Nowadays I am very happy to have waited, because it makes my physical relationship with her very very special. She is the first person I shared myself on a physical level with, and I wouldn’t trade all the nice girls in high school for this bond we share now. Perhaps that’s something you can also reframe for yourself: assuming you will find a partner one day (which I presume you’ll be able to do), the fact that you’ll be able to know she’s your first sexual contact will be very special - for you just as much as for her.

I hope this makes sense or may be helpful. If you have any additional thoughts or questions, don’t hesitate to reply :)

I think I’d love to offer a bit of a different outlook personally. Most of the comments I see here are going in the direction of “don’t stress yourself about it too much, you will be able to do it/ it is cultural pressure”. I personally experience that for me it doesn’t help at all - like yk, I know I shouldn’t stress myself too much about it anyway, but I still do. And my personal opinion is that every emotion is incredibly valuable. If you feel insecure about it and if you feel you should make a fuss, these is something important your emotional system is trying to convey to you.

Most of the time, emotions aren’t shallow, but rather a bit deeper. In this case I presume the issue for you probably isn’t just that you are a virgin, there is something deeper connected to this feeling. For example, maybe the fact you are a virgin also means that you don’t get the sexual validation you need and deserve to feel confident in your body. Or maybe it is connected with the need to belong: you want to be able to experience what other people feel, and you don’t do so right now. The feeling of not belonging is a very powerful one.

I will be honest - when I was younger, it really sucked. I only has first sexual contact in university, so pretty late for the metrics of my surroundings. Until this time, I felt very insecure and also to some extent worthless - why is everyone able to have it and I’m not? Am I broken or wrong? I presume some of the same thoughts plague you as well.

Probably you already know common strategies for dealing with this feeling. In case you don’t, pretty good ones involve working out, meditation, good sleep and nutrition, therapy, talking with a friend about your struggles, or reading a book about the topic and how other people related to it.

I’d like to offer you different psychotheoretical viewpoints of your feelings. I can’t testify which one apply here the most, but maybe it can help you to understand a bit better what the source of your struggle is.

A cognitive therapist would tell you that your feeling is, as most of the other commenters wrote, a result of your learning. Aka, you learned that during college people need to have sex, and you didn’t - so you feel that you failed because your learning says so. Thus, the best procedure would be for you to recognize that you don’t NEED to have it, e.g. by talking to people who also stayed virgins, and “reconditioning” yourself.

A rational emotive therapist would expand upon the thought of the cognitive therapist by adding that you feel the NEED to conform. Aka, you have the thought in your head that you MUST be perfect and you MUST perform and you MUST excel, or else you’re a worthless pile of trash. Thus, an REBT therapist would advise you to work on your deep-seeted belief that you MUST be perfect, and instead accept your imperfection - in this case, accept that even though you’re a virgin, you’re still a worthy human being, worthy of love and self-worth. This you can achieve by self-disputing, imaging how it would be to be a non-virgin, etc.

A psychoanalyst would tell you that your struggle is a result of early childhood experiences. For example, early on you maybe felt self-concious about your body, or you didn’t really belong to a group. Orthodox psychoanalysts would in fact say that this is directly connected to your parents, and that a trauma before the age of ~6 is the reason you feel so bad now… And this early trauma now gets reactivated, simply I a different context. The key to healing would thus be to work through your trauma, recognize and accept it, and thus prevent this issue from “popping up again” later in future.

A systemical therapist would tell you that your struggle is a result of your surrounding and your interactions with other people. For example, maybe someone from within your family pressures you into taking up a good-paid, respected job. This pressure interacts with your emotions in such a way that you feel pressure in other parts of your life as well, for example here. Thus, it would be necessary to examine your surroundings and understand what the people want from you, how they see you etc., and then change the system in a way that accommodates you better.

As you see, many different people say lots of different smart stuff about what to do and where this feeling comes from. I personally can only tell you that I really emphasize with your struggle. I felt very similar, and it just really really sucks. If you see all the other people around you being able to accomplish something you fight so hard for, and yet it still doesn’t work out - that just really, really sucks, especially if there isn’t any prospect of change. It is important for me that you know you’re not alone with this experience, and that there are others who felt the same. In fact, thank you for sharing this story - it also makes me realize that I’m not alone with my feelings here either.

I wish you the best of strength to deal with your struggles here. If you have any additional questions, feel free to pop by and ask - I always love to talk about psychology :)

I can’t :DDD

No, that would be socialism!!1!!! No socialism in 'Murica!!1!!!1!

A kind reminder from Germany: If anyone tells that they “didn’t know what they were getting into” and that “it didn’t seem as bad, they cant really mean it” and “time in power will pacify them and they won’t push through with their claims” - we already had this story and these excuses. I hope that we all can prevent the fascists from getting into power. I really don’t want stuff I’ve read in history books to repeat in my lifetime. The more people know about P2025, the better - but to be honest I fear that most will just ignore it and go on with their day.

I’m doing my part too!

yay, I love starship troopers references

I partially agree. I have come to the conclusion that we humans have amazing potential, for good and bad. There are terrible injustices and crimes committed, but humanity also creates art and science. I just don’t think we can compare the suffering and good we create - how can you compare the pain of the victims of the World Wars with the paintings of Da Vinci, yk? So in the end, one of the core points of social psychology is that situations have an enormous power of us. People can do terrible things when situations call for it (see the Milgram experiment or, on a big scale, the Holocaust), but also create enormous good (international aid organisations). We aren’t good or bad, it just really depends on the situations.

Sometimes we act a certain way, no matter the situation. These act are rare, but they are there - and they’re often the ones who change the world, for better or worse.

Uhhh, that sounds really nice! I think that also explain why I personally dont have the feeling that it is completely derailing, like a lot other companies. In the end, while I’m not the biggest fan of Valve, I’m more than willing to recognise the impact they made, especially for Linux gaming. Without them, we would be in a completely different spot now. I’m sure that these kind of decisions, which oftentimes turn out to be industry-changing, are facilitates by this organisational structure.

So yeah, thank you Gabe for not making the company accountable to shareholders and actually not completely driving your user base against the wall. It is highly appreciated.

Yesss, do so! Labs are absolutely amazing dogs. Of course there are different dogs, but my lab has really made my life so much better. He has just never ending cuteness and happiness that he will make every day better. So I really wish you two the best of luck, and that your dog won’t steal too much food from the table ;)

Yep, the two are very German bois. They definitely follow all the rules, never steal from the table and definitely do not eat my stuff all the time, including a studio microphone and a snack I got after a long train ride…

Best boy

Yes! I fully agree. And it feels just much more… Enjoyable. Because if a post only has 10 instead of 1000 comments, I’ll actually read them and react. And gosh, the few discussions I had on Lemmy were very nice and I actually learnt something new.

I agree. And another exodus will happen, especially when Reddit will finally go public.

I think it would make sense for certain instances to not block Threads, if people want to keep this connection. But it is always far, far easier to unblock Threads later than to federate now and then to defederate later for big instances such as Lemmy.world. I don’t think the mainstream opinion is “BLOCK THREADS FOREVER!!1!1!1!”, but that we should be cautious anout the risks connected with it. And if Meta will be nice and won’t 3E - nice, then we can federate later on. But as long as that isn’t clear, we should make sure we won’t be overtaken.