[Requesting Engagement from transfems]
(Blahaj lemmy told me to put this up top, so I did)
I did not expect this to happen. I followed FairyPrincessLucy for a long time, cuz she’s real nice and seems cool.
Time passes and I noticed how I would feel very bad when watching her do stuff. I was like
damn, she so generally okay with her situation. Wish I was too lol
So I stopped watching her.
Just now I discovered another channel, Melody Nosurname
, and I really, really like her videos! She seems very reasonable and her little character is super cute <3
But here too I noticed how watching the vids made me super uncomfortable.
The representation is nice, for sure, and her videos are of very high quality, I can only recommend them (as in - the videos).
I started by noticing
woah, her tshirt is super cute, I wanna have that too!
Then I continue with
heyo her friend here seems also super cool. Damn wish I had cool friends
And then eventually the classic
damn, I wish I were her
At that point, it’s already over. I end up watching another video and, despite my genuine interest in the topic, I stop it in the middle, close the tab and open Lemmy (and here we are).
Finally I end up watching videos by cis men, like Scott the Woz. They are fine, and I end up not comparing myself to them (since I wouldn’t necessarily want to be them). I also stopped watching feminine people in general online, as they tend to give me a very similar reaction. Just like
yeah, that’s cool that you’re mostly fine with yourself, I am genuinely happy for you that you got lucky during random character creation <3
I also watched The Owl House, which is a really good show (unfortunately owned by Disney) and I stopped watching when…
Spoiler for the Owl House
it started getting gay <3 cuz I started feeling way too jealous of them just being fine with themselves and pretty and gay <3 and such
I wanted to see where the show was going, and I’m sure it’s real good, but that is not worth risking my wellbeing, I thought.
So anyway…
have you had a period like that before?
How did you deal with it?
Do you watch transfem people? Please share your favs! <3
I also like watching SimplySnaps. Her videos are also really high quality, I just end up not being able to watch them for too long before sad hits :(
additional info about me, if anyone cares
I currently don’t take hrt, but I’m on my way. I’m attending psychological therapy with a really nice tharapist here in Germany.
I struggle to find good words to describe how I feel but slowly I find better words for it.
I’m currently 19 and present myself mostly masculine still, while trying to act very nice, generally acceptable and friendly. So kinda in a way which makes both super sweet queer people <3 <3 <3 <3 and hetero cis queerphobes accept me as just another character. (I work at a school with very mixed ideologies, so I kinda have to).
But oh boi do I have social anxiety, even at home with mother…
EDIT: Changed info about SimplySnaps
EDIT2: Added The Owl House example
For reference I’m a 23 year old trans woman that has been on hrt for 3 years. I usually don’t experience this feeling watching transfem content, but cis women still regularly make me deep envy. If anything trans women are the only women I’m not jealous of lol. The idea that my body wasn’t just like that naturally and I have to extensively modify it to even reach a rough approximation can be really upsetting at times. I will admit that a lot of my envy is caused by not their bodies themselves, but the fact that they get to be that way with zero effort or pusback from society. They don’t have to take meds to look that way, and nobody is trying to stop them from being women.
I live in the US and the threats to take away trans healthcare or make it prohibitively expensive have only exacerbated my envy of cis women. There’s a lot of existential dread surrounding the fact that my femaleness is maintained only by a “benevolent” insurance system where most choose to cover hrt and bottom surgery. They could decide to stop at any point and then I get medically detransitioned. Being cis feels extra privileged at the moment. But yeah, seeing cis women go about their day being happy and beautiful and successful has made me stop consuming certain media and has actually brought me to tears, so I understand the feeling. Seeing cis lesbians in the media is probably the worst for me because I feel some insecurity about being perceived as a “real” lesbian or belonging to that culture.
I think ContraPoints has a video on this. From what I remember, we struggle to handle our feelings of Envy. We’re socialized to see it as a bad thing, a moral failing, so we refuse to even label it as such.
In truth, envy is a natural human emotion that we should make space for so we can process it. It’s not good to give in to your envy, but it’s also not good to deny that it’s a part of you.
Actually, I should have used the word “envy”, you are totally right. Just looked up what it means, and yeah, that describes it way better (Not a native speaker).
I am aware that my feelings are largely envious, I just didn’t know there was a difference between the words.
Thank you for commenting! <3
